Embracing Connections
by Bobbie23
Summary: Author Note – ONE SHOT. Spoilers for Philadelphia and Florida. Olivia tries to come to terms with the aftermath.


**Author Note – ONE SHOT. Spoilers for **_**Philadelphia **_**and **_**Florida. **_**I have used some excerpts from the episodes and they're in **_**Italics. **_**Olivia tries to come to terms with the aftermath. Please let me know what you think by leaving a review or sending a PM if you're uncomfortable leaving a public comment. **

**Disclaimer – I don't own **_**Law and Order: Special Victims Unit**_** or any of the characters. **

Embracing Connections

"_She wasn't tracking down her father to learn more about him. She was tracking him down to learn more about herself." Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle_

Olivia stared blankly at the ceiling. She thought about turning on the lamp beside her but she craved the dark tonight, she didn't want to look at the box full of muddled memories which confused her more than she already was. She never really believed there were grey areas when it came to rape. She never thought she would be questioning her mother's attack. Her mother may have lied to her about so many things, but Olivia never thought she would doubt that.

In her heart she was certain Serena was telling the truth, the other women she spoke to were proof enough for her that Joseph Hollister had struck more than once, that her mother was telling the truth about this. Her eyes flicked and landed on the white box which was contradicting her life-long beliefs.

He had kept track of her.

Newspaper clippings, photos.

He even tried to contact her if Simon's mother was to be believed. Olivia couldn't wrap her head around that part. Hollister had heard about her mother's pregnancy and she figured it was through the people Serena worked with in the dining hall. The shameful rumours of a pregnant, unwed college student would have spread quickly in those days. Olivia wondered if they ever came face to face, if her mother knew him in passing before or after the attack, if Serena ever suspected him, if he was too curious about the pregnancy. Olivia sighed and turned away from the box in hope to fight the urge to rifle through it again in the search of clarity on the matter.

She thought back to weeks ago when she sat in the same spot with Simon, explaining how they were connected. It felt good to see that mirrored spark in his eyes as he relished the discovery of a sibling. Then everything went to hell. She had given into the idea of a brother so readily it jaded her instincts when it came to the facts and she still went against her ingrained training and helped him because of the idea of not being alone, of being able to claim someone as family, was too appealing to resist.

"_My long lost brother, Simon Marsden might be a rapist," she breaks off as he voice catches. "Like father, like son." _

"_Maybe there's a mistake," Elliot replies, trying to reason, trying not to let her lose hope entirely. The resignation in her eyes has set in and he knows she's already lost any fledgling hope she had._

"_He's stalking women Elliot. That's why the cops are looking at him. It's just a matter of time before he hits."_

"_Did you see Marsden?"_

"_I spoke to his girlfriend, she's scared. She stonewalled me."_

"_Maybe you should go talk to him."_

"_And say what?" "Hi, I'm Olivia; your dad raped my mom. Oh and I found you because I illegally ran my DNA." She shakes her head out of disgust at her own actions. "I wish I had never gone looking."_

"_You had to find out."_

_Looking out of the windscreen, she continues almost trance like. "Last night, watching him in that window, playing with that little boy. I wanted to be a part of a family so much," she snaps out of her reverie and turns to face him. While she's never lied about her conception, she's never voluntarily given that information out unless she had to. She isn't forthcoming about her personal life, neither is Elliot, but she feels compelled to talk to him even if it's just as a sounding board. "I have been alone my whole life." He holds her gaze and she thinks he's about to refute her claim. He doesn't but she wants him to. "I'm sorry I'm whining."_

"_You're not."_

_His arm reaches out and around her neck grasping tightly kneading the muscle which Olivia didn't realise was tense. His grip is firm but reassuring, consoling. She wants more and immediately banishes the thought; she doesn't need any more complications interfering with the mess she's made. At the moment her partnership with him is all that's clear in her head and he's standing by her, the only she can really talk to. He swallows thickly and speaks. _

"_Family is everything." _

_He releases her quickly and looks away to cover his frustration. Her stomach drops. The feel of his hand on her lingers and she wonders how long it will last. She expected him to say something else, wanted him to. But then her ramblings over her attempt at finding a familial connection with a stranger could have him thinking about his own family situation which is all but falling apart. Their disappointment is short lived as static from the radio cuts through the silence and Fin's voice fills the car. They share a quick regretful glance and the moment is lost._

A loud knock travels through the apartment and Olivia closes her eyes. Another reason she didn't want to turn the lights on, people would assume she was out if no light escaped under the door. Another loud bang on the door resounded, more impatient than the first. Well most people would assume she was out. Her eyes slid open and Olivia groaned when they was another knock on the door, only this time it was followed by a muffled voice of her partner.

"Open the door Liv or I'm using my key."

Growling her frustration Olivia rolled to a sitting position before pushing off of the sofa. "I'm coming."

She strode to the door, restraining herself from getting annoyed at the interruption. It wasn't a surprise even though he never mentioned turning up. He'd had her back through the debacle, whether it was to listen to her ramblings or tell her when she was in too deep.

"_Look at what's he's doing to you."_

Shaking her head to clear it, Olivia pulled the door open to reveal Elliot but she blocked the door. Sighing tiredly, she spoke. "Is something wrong Elliot?"

"No," Elliot replied, looking taken aback but he doesn't question her abrupt tone. "Just wondering if you wanted some company."

He doesn't need to add that he's here to check on her. The concern in his eyes is directed at her. She turns away, unable to look at it anymore. She wants to be alone but leaves the door open in silent invitation and his feet shuffle across her carpet following her hesitantly as she enters her kitchen. The front door closes with a definitive thud.

"Do you want a beer?" Olivia asks reaching into her fridge without waiting for a reply and retrieves two bottles. It's a distraction, something to bide time, prevent the inevitable conversation Elliot has come here to have.

"You could have come to me," Elliot says leaning against the counter behind her.

"_We're partners."_

"_Not on this. This is personal."_

"I was already in trouble and I didn't want you to be as well," she shrugs as she pops the caps off the beers and hands one to him before returning the bottle opener to the draw behind him.

"I could have helped you."

"You did," she breathes out as she hoists herself up onto the counter before chancing a glance at him. "Last time we were almost split up."

It had been embarrassing sitting in front of Rebecca, having to answer question after question about her relationship with Elliot with someone who knew them. Olivia was reluctant, they both were and for a change Olivia had been more standoffish than Elliot. Rebecca assessing them was like a double edged sword, virtually confirming the psychiatrist's personal suspicions. Olivia knew her former friend gave Cragen a reasonable assessment of their partnership but it was because of her personal knowledge she countered it by warning what would happen if they were split.

"_If you had to choose between saving your partner and saving a member of the public which would you do?" Pause. She can't. "Olivia?"_

"_Yeah," she breathes out her voice catching. "I'm done."_

Elliot stared back at her defiantly, refusing to accept her reason for keeping him out of the loop. Olivia raised her bottle to her lips and drank. She cleared her throat.

"I know you don't like Simon."

"I don't know him," Elliot replied. "You don't either." He reminded softly. Elliot knows she feels compelled to feel something for him, but essentially Simon is a stranger and Elliot isn't sure if she'll ever let him in completely because of the man who fathered them, doesn't think she'll ever be able to get past the reason they're related.

"I want to," Olivia admitted, her eyes cast towards her hand where it absently drew on the work top. "He's my brother." Elliot huffed out a breath. "What?"

She could see the conflict in his eyes and she knows he's trying to figure out a way of saying whatever he wants appropriately. Diplomacy isn't Elliot's style and that's what she likes about him, he says what's on his mind and while sometimes she hates what he says she knows he's always honest with her. She craves that honesty now but she's scared of it as well.

"You've already put your job and your life on the line for this guy-"

"He's my bro-"

"He's a stranger," Elliot reminds her softly, resolutely. His words are harsh but his tone is gentle. He's trying to comfort her and tell her the truth and his honesty calms her. "Apart from what you've read in a police file what do you really know about him?"

"He's co-operating with Porter and explaining everything," Olivia stumbles. She wants to defend the fledgling relationship she's trying to build with Simon but she can't, deep down she knows Elliot has a point no matter how she hates it. "We've talked," she says weakly.

"About what?"

"Stuff we liked as kids," Olivia shrugs. "I know it seems like I rushed to defend Simon and I don't know him that well but I think he's a good guy and…in the end he was telling the truth. I wish people would trust my judgement when it comes to-"

"I trust you," Elliot declared cutting her off with a tone which broke no argument. He huffed out a breath and rubbed the back of his neck. "I just think you were too close to this, but I trust you to make the right decision."

"I was too close to this," Olivia admitted thickly. "All the evidence said he was guilty, but I just…I couldn't believe, I didn't want to believe because he was my brother."

"And he was innocent but I still don't trust him."

Olivia nodded. She could understand his point, and if she was completely honest she didn't trust Simon either. At times during it felt like she made a mistake to even track him down.

"And I think he's an idiot," Elliot added when she said nothing.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

"He was willing to let someone he barely knew sacrifice everything for him. He never spared a thought about how what he was doing would affect you. And I can't forgive him for that."

"He was trying to prove his innocence," Olivia reminded gently. She wants to argue that it's not Elliot's place to forgive him, but after everything he's risked for her she lets it go.

"He was," Elliot conceded. "He was also selfish and didn't even consider what could happen to you. He played on your need for a connection."

Olivia's eyes flutter but she doesn't deny his conclusion, at times it did feel like Simon was using her. She remembers the excitement she felt reflected in Simon's eyes and has tried to hold onto that during this mess. She is certain Simon felt it too even if he lost sight of that with everything he was facing.

"He didn't listen to you when you were trying to help him," Elliot adds cutting through her musing.

"He's stubborn," Olivia sighs and sips at her beer.

"Just like his sister," Elliot replies eliciting a tiny lip lift from her and he smiles sheepishly as her eyes chide him. She studies him for a moment. He's telling her in his own that he supports her in this, understands she isn't going to change her mind about this even if he doesn't have the best opinion of Simon. "Cragen said you're taking some time."

Olivia bobbed her head. "Not as much as I would if Simon had been guilty."

It's a relief; one, she's got to admit, she doubted at times. The relief is trivial compared to the mess she's made in her professional life; first she messed up the pursuit of a suspect when she first met Simon and a few days ago she attacked a suspect and yelled at the Captain and Elliot. While they have forgiven her she hasn't forgiven herself for letting this get the better of her. Knowing Simon is innocent goes a small way to helping her feel better, gives her a tiny bit of consolation this was worth it.

"What would you have done if you found Hollister instead of Simon?"

Olivia lifts her head, slowly blinks as she thinks about her answer. Her intention was to find him when she ran her DNA, she wasn't even sure of what to expect if anything at all. Ever since her mother's admission about her conception, Olivia thought she would always be able to bring some small amount of justice to her mother.

"_He had a picture of me…I need closure, not with Simon…I need to know who he was."_

"I don't know," she admits placing the bottle on the counter and gripping the edge as she rocks back and forth slowly. "I'm confused about why he kept track of me and now I can't ask either one of them about it."

"Would you have given Hollister the chance to explain?"

"I hated him for what he did to my mother," she says not breaking eye contact. "Talking to Simon, the newspaper clippings, it made me doubt her story."

"Do you still doubt her?"

"No," Olivia replies. "She lied to me about a lot of things but not about this. I got annoyed with her once because she lost hope in any kind of justice."

"No matter how you came into her life she loved you and was proud of you."

"It didn't feel like it most of the time," she sniffs to cover the catch in her voice. Elliot looks like he wants to agree with her, then she realises he must know what it feels like. "She didn't want me to join Special Victims."

"It's understandable," Elliot muses.

"Why?"

"Maybe she didn't want you to find Hollister."

"I didn't join to find him," Olivia admits. "My mother was distant my whole life. I'm not saying it was all bad, when she wasn't drinking it was pretty good. The worst time was when I was a teenager after she told me. I joined Special Victims because I wanted to understand what she went through, feel a connection to her. I was determined other victims wouldn't lose hope like she did."

Elliot nods. "Have you found the connection you wanted?"

She holds his gaze which almost a glare as he studies her. She thinks of her mother, the man who attacked her, and lastly of Simon. Everything has changed so quickly and Simon is still a stranger. It's not the outcome she considered and she's not sure where they go from here. "I don't know," she replies honestly. Elliot's expression softens. "Thank you."

"You already said that," he reminds her.

"I mean it. Why are you here Elliot?"

"Because families don't always turn out how you want them to and I wanted you to know that you're not alone in this."

"_A good friend is a __connection__ to life- a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world__" Lois Wyse_


End file.
